One of the reasons I started writing a lot in 2015 is because there were too many thoughts in my head and most of them too negative to be in there. I found writing to be a very powerful weapon to drive those thoughts out of my head and make space for productive thoughts. Several days later, I remember complaining to Conor Neil that I find my blog too cynical and that I’d like to write positively as he does but he told me it was important to have a balance of positivity with cynicism and that I mustn’t beat myself about this. So, putting out my negative thoughts here fulfills that exact purpose of filling the void in my head with some much needed positivity.
For the last several years, I have been suffering from some mild form of passive depression – I say mild because I have been living in denial and pretending like it doesn’t exist. It’s come on more strongly ever since Berry was born. Yet again, I brushed it off as being normal to suffer from post natal depression. This is mainly because I once did try seeing a therapist and it made me feel incredibly stupid for allowing myself to be bogged down by negativity enough to believe I needed help.
Even now, I continue to fight the little voice that wants me to seek help because some part of me strongly believes I know how to fix this problem myself. When you have a series of not so positive feedback loops, you start to wonder if you are making any progress in life and self doubt becomes a constant companion. So, when someone calls you out for not being good enough anywhere, you naturally become defensive. When you are defensive, you can’t offer logical arguments and you end up on an emotional tangent making your case much worse.
When you have gone so far off track, you really need help coming back – be it a therapist, a loving friend or a mentor. However, the important thing here is to make sure you still want to come back on track because if you don’t, I’d say that’s pretty serious and you need to just stop and scream for help immediately. Just any form of help, really. If you don’t, you’ll end up going in so deep that there’s no coming back.
The way I like to deal with my negative thoughts is by driving it out onto this blog and let go off it forever. The only reason I have refrained from doing that more recently is because I have bills to pay. But, I realise that this is just feeding a vicious cycle further and I’d rather dwell in a world where the mind is without fear, because fear makes you shrivel into something smaller than you really are.
So, I am back, back with my cynicism, negativity and everything chaotic that lies inside me dying to get out, so it can be replaced with some much needed positivity and joy.